then you will know the truth
and the truth will set you FREE. John 8:32
Disclaimer:
Many who read this have known me my whole life. Some might be shocked. Some might not be shocked at all (I’m talking to you, Brad Corban and Theon Johnson). Some might be upset. Some might feel betrayed; particularly in spaces that I have previously served . But this is my truth. It is sad that I have to make this disclaimer, and I realize how this article will affect my family back in Mississippi. I ask that if you are reading this and you feel disappointed, betrayed, (whatever), please do not blame my parents and family. They often get the brunt of people’s negative reactions to my political, social, and theological rants.
On June 8, 2013, I was ordained as an elder in the Mississippi Annual Conference of the United Methodist Church. On June 7th, 2019, I officially was accepted by my peers and colleagues as an ordained elder in the Pacific Northwest Annual Conference of the United Methodist Church.
I was born, baptized, raised, confirmed, commissioned, and ordained all in the Mississippi Conference. Rev. Rodney Smith, Rev. Wilton Holsten, and Rev. Larry Creel all helped me understand what it meant to be United Methodist. They were three of the pastors who let me be an inquisitive kid, fostering in me a call to ministry very early on in my life.
Growing up, my grandmother took me to UMW events and older adult ministry events at our local church. There is not a time in my life that I do not remember being immersed in the baptismal waters that flowed forth from Shiloh United Methodist Church in Pelahatchie, MS. In fact, that water of grace is still with me and still reminds me that I am a beloved child of God.
Today I hold onto the baptismal truth of my belovedness, and I also grieve that my ties to the Mississippi conference have been loosened. And. AND. For the first time in my life, I feel free in a new way.
Why?
I am a Gay United Methodist Pastor. I was a Gay United Methodist at my confirmation when Rev. Larry Creel welcomed me as a member into Shiloh United Methodist Church. I did not know what that meant back then, but that doesn’t make it any less true. I have been a Gay United Methodist Pastor since Bishop Hope Morgan Ward laid her hands on me at my commissioning in 2010. I was a Gay United Methodist Pastor when Bishop James Swanson laid his hands on my at my ordination six years ago. And for the first time, I can stand and say publicly, “I am a Gay United Methodist Pastor.”
If I had stayed in the Mississippi Conference, I could not self disclose my queerness in a way that would allow me to be free in my ministry. When I say that I suffered, and struggled, and almost quit ministry about 24 times in 10 years, I am not exaggerating. My sexual identity was always the elephant in the room. At one appointment, it was so bad, that a rumor was started that I was a child molester because there was a guy named Justin White who was convicted of sexual assault against a minor. It wasn’t true, and if the folks would have done their homework, it would have been evident it was not me. And yet, in order to try to “out” me, they dug into a deep well of fear in a way that caused harm. I would have rather them just asked me, and yet, they didn’t.
Being gay is not my primary identity. Being a beloved child of God is my primary identity: An identity I claim and celebrate. But being gay is a part of myself that I can not divorce from my ministry. I had two lives in Mississippi and I thought I was very good at compartmentalizing. I came out to my parents in 2009 and therefore, did not have to entirely hide who I was with them. I know this is a privilege and a blessing; and yet, there was still a double life. I have many really amazing friends both in the church and out of the church in Mississippi who know I am gay, and there are even folks in the “powers that be” in Mississippi Conference that know because I shared it with them before they were in places of “power”. And yet, as I was trying to be in ministry in Mississippi, I always had to be careful. I compromised my own integrity in so many ways. I let relationships suffer. I only shared certain parts of myself with different people. The truth was this: I could not compartmentalize or live a double life anymore.
So I had to be truthful. No matter the cost. And the truth finally brought me to the Pacific Northwest.
In my first year of being on loan to the PNW conference, I was offered a transfer as an openly gay clergy person. It is something that I have shared with the local churches I serve. It is something I have shared with the Board of Ordained Ministry and with Bishop Stanovsky and the cabinet here in the Pacific Northwest. And not only do they affirm me; they CELEBRATE me. Not because I’m gay; but because they have seen the gifts I can bring to the church. My being gay is just the icing on the cake. There was fear that if my credentials remained in Mississippi, even while I was serving on loan, charges could be brought against me given the results of General Conference 2019. I am sad that this is the case. But it is the hard truth of where we are as a denomination.
It was post-General Conference when I realized I had to loosen the ties. I needed to loosen the ties that bound me in a “christian love” that was conditional at best and punitive at worst; A love that may be considered “christian” but is far from the love of Christ, the liberator, that I feel deep down in my bones.
I mourn some of the relationships that will be severed as I loosen the ties that bind. I mourn for those who are “traditionalists” who will read this and feel as if I betrayed them. I mourn the loss of being in clergy covenant with so many folks who have walked beside me at various phases and times of my life; my Residency in Ministry cohort; my fellow MFSA and RMN agitators in a conference that needs agitators; my DS’es, and my former ministers.
And still, I recognize that even though the ties have been loosened, and some ties will be severed, there are some relationships that the powers of hell could not sever.
I remember when I was being ordained, I looked at the two amazing clergy women who were my mentors and I asked them, “What the hell am I doing?” These two affirmed all of me. Every part. And they were always honest. They didn’t sugar coat their responses or replies. They told me to be me; but to know there might be consequences. Stacey always said, “Don’t cast your pearls before swine” and with hesitancy and anxiousness, they affirmed in me my call to be a minister of Word, Order, Service, and Sacrament. I am no longer on paper, or institutionally, in covenant with them; yet they are a part of my ministry that will never be severed.
There are so many more folks who will forever be a part of my call and my ministry, whether they like it or not. Some are conservative folks who think I am incompatible. Some are super progressive who think I should have stayed in Mississippi to help create and foster change. Some are glad I have found a space to exist, breathe, and be free (you know who you are!) And I love all of you.
Oh Mississippi Conference, you will always be a part of me because you are deeply imbedded in my DNA. But I have to break free. I must. I need to be truthful. I need to be free.
You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.
Thanks be to God.
